As a self confessed every day lazy student, I often find myself at a loss for how to fill time. During term it’s spent being dragged kicking and screaming between deadlines with about as much resentment as a dog being dragged away from taking a dump on the pavement. However, the current deadline threat level has been reduced from ‘Severe!’ to ‘Ah it’ll be grand’ over the Easter break and I’m left with a lot of spare time on my hands. Of course I don’t resent this, quite the opposite I wallow in the act of filling spare time like a lazy hippo in a muddy Serengeti watering-hole.
Filling spare time can take many forms; be it getting my ass shot off by some guy on the crane in CoD: Modern warfare 2 (and there is always some guy on the crane) or listlessly watching T.V. slumped on the couch vegetated only rousing irately to tell the go compare guy to: ‘Go fuck off!’ However, between these all consuming activities I like to get nostalgic and something that I’ve been getting weirdly sentimental about is the absurd program: Banzai (channel 4, available on MSN).
The concept is simple, so simple it doesn’t do it justice: you place bets on the absurd or mundane games that are set up with a choice of outcomes ranging between 2 to 5. Big deal, what’s funny about that? Good question, one that deserves to be answered the only way possible via youtube:
The small animal balloon lift gamble
If you were too lazy to watch then let me sum it up for you with my opinion: I think the above clip is the unquestionable justification for all forms of animal experimenting and testing. There, now go watch it and laugh or Larry the gay chicken dies.
:-(
The show also included regular characters as well: Mr. Cheeky Chappy, who placed bets on yesteryear Z-list celebrities making them perform weird tasks; Mr. Shaky Hands Man, who interviewed celebrities and timed how long he could continuously shake their hands for; and Lady One Question who posed as a reporter at red carpet events and asked one question before staring blankly at the celebrity till they felt awkward and wondered off. The proceedings were all voiced over by two Japanese actors who narrated and orchestrated the betting bonza with hilarious Engrish: insulting, encouraging and jeering the dead pan celebrity guests.
It was brilliant, what other show would have tried to make a bet on how fast the Queen Mother’s funeral procession was going using a speed gun? The emphasis on ‘tried’ as police confiscated it from the film crew leaving the show creators sheepishly defending the show saying: "Banzai was covering the Queen Mother's funeral in its own, inimitable way. No harm or disrespect was intended." Personally hat’s off to them for trying. It’s about as ballsy as this ladies attempt to attack the pope - probably a choir boys mother or something.
The show has since left the E4 schedule and travelled further afield to the US for some air time before promptly being pulled after Asian-American pressure groups declared it as being ‘racist’. Now the show is confined to the odd rinse on Dave, left out there for the odd bored student to find and spend an hour excitedly yelling at the T.V. “Go Pat Sharp! Run! Beat that German man in Volkswagen Beetle!”
Have a watch and enjoy, maybe bet with a friend or maybe just yell at your computer in an internet cafe while people pretend not to see you.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
MSN Men
Unless you’re doing an actual science at university it’s highly likely that you have an abundance of free time on your hands. In fact, university is a lot like being unemployed you get handed cash (most of which you have to pay back of course), concessions and freebies are readily available and you spend a lot of time on the couch yelling at Jeremy Kyle for being a fuckwit. The difference is that your parents are proud of you. But the fact remains that you have a ton of free time to fill either writing shitty blogs or dicking around on Facebook.
But the biggest source of time consuming shitness has to be MSN news. It’s so bad it’s good in my opinion. Take this article for instance: 10 best places to meet Women According to MSN Men.
Apparently all female folk these days have cottoned on to the fact that men want sex, especially when they’re in bars and clubs. Suffice to say, being the cunning little strumpets that women are, they’ve upped their game and started playing hard to get leaving MSN men stuck between a rock and a hard-on.
The solution? Get better chat? No, of course not, no. The solution is to find better places to meet women. That’s the only logical solution for MSN men! Here’s but a sample of places you’ll likely find your average MSN man cruising for women at their unawares:
The park
'You need a dog to do this or you're just another stalker. Fido's a great ice-breaker, providing he isn't a rottweiler, and remember what they say about owners and their pets. If she's got a yappy little chihuahua living in her It Bag she might not be quite the girl you're after.'
Sound advice MSN men; don’t want to look like a stalker now do we? I suppose if she has a butch bulldog as well then she’s probably a raving, MSN man hating, dyke - best avoid them too.
Become a volunteer
‘It's not everyone's bag, but charity or community volunteering is a great way to bring like-minded souls together. It also offers new ways to interact with others in a different kind of environment, plus everyone gets a buzz from doing something selfless and genuinely worthwhile. Furthermore, some women for some strange reason feel that many men are selfish and mercenary, so this is an automatic way of disproving your membership of that particular club.’
Nothing says caring, thoughtful and selfless like pretending to care about the homeless in order to score. Where do these silly women get this notion that all MSN men 'are selfish and mercenary'? Sure you’re dishing out soup to vagrants and other people who you would rather spit on, but you might bag a cute hippy chick with a piercing! And if that fails you could always try exchanging food for sex with the cleanest looking female-hobo: she’d be grateful for the central heating in your bachelor pad. Was Pretty Woman depredating? No, so neither is this.
Bookshop or record store
‘If it looks like she's into your kind of thing, it might be worth breaking the ice by asking if she can recommend anything. Many of the big chains - and museums - have coffee shops in the basement too, the perfect place to go once if it looks like it might be a goer.'
If you spot a woman by the self help section, prey on their insecurities make their weakness your biggest gain. If for instance they’re perusing ‘how to be assertive’ section that means they’re push overs and need you (an assertive MSN male) to go in and dominate them like an baboon in heat. Better yet, if they’re in the chick lit section that means their sluttish, do a couple of laps round their but try not look like your loitering because woman don’t like stalkers as we’ve already covered.
DIY store or supermarket
‘It's a cliché, but like all clichés there's something in it. Shopping's something we all do, you don't have to concentrate so it's easy (and natural) to strike up a conversation, and guessing someone's personality from the contents of their trolley is the sort of amateur psychology we can all understand.’
This is perfect! As an MSN man it’s your duty to go to women in Homebase with a two by four and ask ‘what do you think of my wood?’ women love innuendo. If they don’t react well or call for security, relax: its Homebase, security will be a retired pensioner and we all know they’re no threat.
Well lets hope that MSN men find this trash useful because apparently they need all the help they can get. Is it any wonder women think guys are creeps if this is the kind of 'guidance' we're fed?
But the biggest source of time consuming shitness has to be MSN news. It’s so bad it’s good in my opinion. Take this article for instance: 10 best places to meet Women According to MSN Men.
Apparently all female folk these days have cottoned on to the fact that men want sex, especially when they’re in bars and clubs. Suffice to say, being the cunning little strumpets that women are, they’ve upped their game and started playing hard to get leaving MSN men stuck between a rock and a hard-on.
The solution? Get better chat? No, of course not, no. The solution is to find better places to meet women. That’s the only logical solution for MSN men! Here’s but a sample of places you’ll likely find your average MSN man cruising for women at their unawares:
The park
'You need a dog to do this or you're just another stalker. Fido's a great ice-breaker, providing he isn't a rottweiler, and remember what they say about owners and their pets. If she's got a yappy little chihuahua living in her It Bag she might not be quite the girl you're after.'
Sound advice MSN men; don’t want to look like a stalker now do we? I suppose if she has a butch bulldog as well then she’s probably a raving, MSN man hating, dyke - best avoid them too.
Become a volunteer
‘It's not everyone's bag, but charity or community volunteering is a great way to bring like-minded souls together. It also offers new ways to interact with others in a different kind of environment, plus everyone gets a buzz from doing something selfless and genuinely worthwhile. Furthermore, some women for some strange reason feel that many men are selfish and mercenary, so this is an automatic way of disproving your membership of that particular club.’
Nothing says caring, thoughtful and selfless like pretending to care about the homeless in order to score. Where do these silly women get this notion that all MSN men 'are selfish and mercenary'? Sure you’re dishing out soup to vagrants and other people who you would rather spit on, but you might bag a cute hippy chick with a piercing! And if that fails you could always try exchanging food for sex with the cleanest looking female-hobo: she’d be grateful for the central heating in your bachelor pad. Was Pretty Woman depredating? No, so neither is this.
Bookshop or record store
‘If it looks like she's into your kind of thing, it might be worth breaking the ice by asking if she can recommend anything. Many of the big chains - and museums - have coffee shops in the basement too, the perfect place to go once if it looks like it might be a goer.'If you spot a woman by the self help section, prey on their insecurities make their weakness your biggest gain. If for instance they’re perusing ‘how to be assertive’ section that means they’re push overs and need you (an assertive MSN male) to go in and dominate them like an baboon in heat. Better yet, if they’re in the chick lit section that means their sluttish, do a couple of laps round their but try not look like your loitering because woman don’t like stalkers as we’ve already covered.
DIY store or supermarket
‘It's a cliché, but like all clichés there's something in it. Shopping's something we all do, you don't have to concentrate so it's easy (and natural) to strike up a conversation, and guessing someone's personality from the contents of their trolley is the sort of amateur psychology we can all understand.’This is perfect! As an MSN man it’s your duty to go to women in Homebase with a two by four and ask ‘what do you think of my wood?’ women love innuendo. If they don’t react well or call for security, relax: its Homebase, security will be a retired pensioner and we all know they’re no threat.
Well lets hope that MSN men find this trash useful because apparently they need all the help they can get. Is it any wonder women think guys are creeps if this is the kind of 'guidance' we're fed?
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Degree Dispenser
‘Two Universities, both alike in dignity in fair Aberdeen, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny’. Of course the rivalry between the Robert Gordons and Aberdeen University is nowhere near as grand or epic as the two warring households in Romeo and Juliet. However, there is a long standing grudge between both campuses that all students realize after they wake up from their Fresher hangovers’. This rivalry, for me, is encapsulated beautifully by the Men’s toilet on the ground floor of the Aberdeen Uni’s hangout: the Hub. Around about two cubicles in; amongst the rustle of times news papers; polite, masqueraded coughs; and gentlemanly flushes; is a toilet roll dispenser. And on this dispenser, marked in well formed, clear graffiti is written: “Robert Gordon’s Degree dispenser”. Crudely elegant and evidently the product of an AU wise-ass, but it does summarise the grudge perfectly: RGU degrees are seen to be easily attainable and therefore not worth the paper their printed on (or in this case: wiped on).
Of course it’s an assumption that has grown out of RGU’s attempts to better it’s self as time went on. It originally started out as a college and in 1992 was awarded its status as a university and since then has seen its numbers grow steadily as it draws a higher proportion of applicants each year mainly into the growing technology sector. Of course, Aberdeen University is one of the oldest around and its focus on the Arts as well as science sets it apart from RGU’s more practical base in finding gainful employment. It’s remained competitive throughout the years as too has the reputation of the students.
That being said the rivalry hasn’t quite spilled out to the point that students go around biting their thumbs at one another (RGU students wouldn’t get the reference any way). But it’s a common joke amongst the AU student body that ‘It’s a college in University blazer’. Likewise, the RGU students have the opinion that AU’s students are smug bunch of pretentious prancers that enjoy the smell of their own farts (It’s true, with a cafeteria this good how could you not).
I suppose all in all it won’t matter come graduation time whether this rivalry has any basis in fact as we’ll all be in the same jobless boat as many graduate students have found out this year. But, we’ll continue the good manner ribbing of one another and drink in RGU student union and hope the Economic worries piss off by the time we’re dispensed our diplomas.
Of course it’s an assumption that has grown out of RGU’s attempts to better it’s self as time went on. It originally started out as a college and in 1992 was awarded its status as a university and since then has seen its numbers grow steadily as it draws a higher proportion of applicants each year mainly into the growing technology sector. Of course, Aberdeen University is one of the oldest around and its focus on the Arts as well as science sets it apart from RGU’s more practical base in finding gainful employment. It’s remained competitive throughout the years as too has the reputation of the students.
That being said the rivalry hasn’t quite spilled out to the point that students go around biting their thumbs at one another (RGU students wouldn’t get the reference any way). But it’s a common joke amongst the AU student body that ‘It’s a college in University blazer’. Likewise, the RGU students have the opinion that AU’s students are smug bunch of pretentious prancers that enjoy the smell of their own farts (It’s true, with a cafeteria this good how could you not).
I suppose all in all it won’t matter come graduation time whether this rivalry has any basis in fact as we’ll all be in the same jobless boat as many graduate students have found out this year. But, we’ll continue the good manner ribbing of one another and drink in RGU student union and hope the Economic worries piss off by the time we’re dispensed our diplomas.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Gauss Hog
Reading is boring, at least reading can get pretty boring on the internet these days. Why read a funny article when you could watch a funny video on Youtube? Why spend hours writing a blog when you could film your self in 5 minutes talking to a web cam? - the logical answer to that could be your 'fuck-ugly' but I digress – The fact remains that most of my internet surfing consists of listlessly looking for things to watch. Be it the cult classic clip of Ninja Cat or the entire series of Screenwipe by Charlie Brooker. Reading takes time and effort, both of which I don't part with lightly (Well effort more so). The internet is about avoiding effort so it's no surprise to see the content of websites drift steadily towards video content, with only a forum section for 12 year old amoebas make noise and shit all over.
However, I'm getting off topic; imagine my surprise when I found something out in the internet that's worth reading.
enter Gausswerks.
Gauswerks or Jack Monahan as he no doubt liked to be called if you ran up to him in the street to shake his hand, is an independent Game designer and down right interesting and informative fellow. I first came a across his site while watching a video no less, and spent a lazy Sunday afternoon working my way through his blog's archive enthralled by the articles he's left out there, like beautifully wrapped presents left on a park bench (Minus the bomb threat). What struck me about Gauswerks, was his ability to take a complicated idea/concept like game design, and break it down into a way that makes you understand the problem and at the same time make you care what the answer might be. It's like sitting down to a cosy documentary about quantum-mechanics and walking away from it with the feeling that you can explaining Schrödinger's cat theorem with out suffocating kittens in a boxes
What I found ultimately refreshing was his approach towards terrible games: pointing out the design concepts that went wrong, and where they could have been fixed. Often in the process he creating a new, better conceptualised game that I'm sure readers themselves would have preferred, instead of the half baked piles of crap they turned out to be on release. Should you find your self with an idol fifteen minutes I thoroughly encourage you to browse it, leave a comment and get to grips with something you wouldn't have normally given a thrupny bit about
And if not watch this cat! How awesome is ninja cat!? Lolzaurs!@!1
However, I'm getting off topic; imagine my surprise when I found something out in the internet that's worth reading.
enter Gausswerks.
Gauswerks or Jack Monahan as he no doubt liked to be called if you ran up to him in the street to shake his hand, is an independent Game designer and down right interesting and informative fellow. I first came a across his site while watching a video no less, and spent a lazy Sunday afternoon working my way through his blog's archive enthralled by the articles he's left out there, like beautifully wrapped presents left on a park bench (Minus the bomb threat). What struck me about Gauswerks, was his ability to take a complicated idea/concept like game design, and break it down into a way that makes you understand the problem and at the same time make you care what the answer might be. It's like sitting down to a cosy documentary about quantum-mechanics and walking away from it with the feeling that you can explaining Schrödinger's cat theorem with out suffocating kittens in a boxes
What I found ultimately refreshing was his approach towards terrible games: pointing out the design concepts that went wrong, and where they could have been fixed. Often in the process he creating a new, better conceptualised game that I'm sure readers themselves would have preferred, instead of the half baked piles of crap they turned out to be on release. Should you find your self with an idol fifteen minutes I thoroughly encourage you to browse it, leave a comment and get to grips with something you wouldn't have normally given a thrupny bit about
And if not watch this cat! How awesome is ninja cat!? Lolzaurs!@!1
Paris Sydrome
Have you ever suffered heart breaking disappointment dear reader?
Chances are if you have a right clicking finger you've no doubt been disappointed by the internet when an advert pops up promising a one week buff up program and delivers a hard-drive full of viruses and a weird tick on your web browser that turns every Google search into a porn site. However, have you ever heard of a small minority of people being disappointed to the point disillusion, fainting and being sent home? Chances are no you haven't unless your Japanese.
'Paris Syndrome' is what they call it and if you're a 30 year old female and live in a bubble of bliss that the French aren't arrogant pricks then you are a prime candidate. It's not to say that Paris is any worse than any other European city it's just that it's a city, and like all cities it has it's share of rude waiters, drunks, homeless and the French. Of course, if you've grown up sheltered and miles away from European turmoil, then you'll excused for thinking it the pinnacle of high society; polite and sophisticated. Of course when your first site as you rise up the escalator of de l'Étoile Subway is a vagrant pissing against the corner of the Arc de Trimophe or a poor excuse for a ladyboy in Montmarte (where French blockbuster Amelie's set) then chances are that Eiffel tower of expectation is going to flake and crumble like a cheap, Tesco croissant.
Don't get me wrong, Paris is as charming as a city can be with it's beautiful architecture towering over you in creamy, chalky colour as you wonder down each 'Rue' looking at famous landmarks like Notre Dame or climb the stairs in front of the gorgeous Sacré-Cœur Basilica. Even on wet days the Champs-Elsées shines like wet marble as if a lowly paid immigrant has gone before you with a buffer polishing the streets for an eye watering gleam to walk on. It's an amazing sight and something that tourists would return home with fond memories of. It's just it's a city, and like all cities you can turn the corner to find a the pavement covered in dog shit and a couple of street artists coming to blows over a spot if front of a tacky coffee shop and it's that down to earth side of Paris that sends twelve Japanese tourists home a year.
I remember when a friend took me to Paris the first site I saw on Thursday night as I arrived was a man passed out in a puddle of his vomit next to a bus stop. Made me feel right at home having just come fresh from Aberdeen, was a nice little reminder that the French can be just as twat-ish as the UK, no matter how much they argue to the contrary.
P.S. I don't hate the French, it's just funny to do so – the rest of Europe will agree with me on that (except France of course)
Chances are if you have a right clicking finger you've no doubt been disappointed by the internet when an advert pops up promising a one week buff up program and delivers a hard-drive full of viruses and a weird tick on your web browser that turns every Google search into a porn site. However, have you ever heard of a small minority of people being disappointed to the point disillusion, fainting and being sent home? Chances are no you haven't unless your Japanese.
'Paris Syndrome' is what they call it and if you're a 30 year old female and live in a bubble of bliss that the French aren't arrogant pricks then you are a prime candidate. It's not to say that Paris is any worse than any other European city it's just that it's a city, and like all cities it has it's share of rude waiters, drunks, homeless and the French. Of course, if you've grown up sheltered and miles away from European turmoil, then you'll excused for thinking it the pinnacle of high society; polite and sophisticated. Of course when your first site as you rise up the escalator of de l'Étoile Subway is a vagrant pissing against the corner of the Arc de Trimophe or a poor excuse for a ladyboy in Montmarte (where French blockbuster Amelie's set) then chances are that Eiffel tower of expectation is going to flake and crumble like a cheap, Tesco croissant.
Don't get me wrong, Paris is as charming as a city can be with it's beautiful architecture towering over you in creamy, chalky colour as you wonder down each 'Rue' looking at famous landmarks like Notre Dame or climb the stairs in front of the gorgeous Sacré-Cœur Basilica. Even on wet days the Champs-Elsées shines like wet marble as if a lowly paid immigrant has gone before you with a buffer polishing the streets for an eye watering gleam to walk on. It's an amazing sight and something that tourists would return home with fond memories of. It's just it's a city, and like all cities you can turn the corner to find a the pavement covered in dog shit and a couple of street artists coming to blows over a spot if front of a tacky coffee shop and it's that down to earth side of Paris that sends twelve Japanese tourists home a year.
I remember when a friend took me to Paris the first site I saw on Thursday night as I arrived was a man passed out in a puddle of his vomit next to a bus stop. Made me feel right at home having just come fresh from Aberdeen, was a nice little reminder that the French can be just as twat-ish as the UK, no matter how much they argue to the contrary.
P.S. I don't hate the French, it's just funny to do so – the rest of Europe will agree with me on that (except France of course)
Blog Wanking
It's never good when it has to start with an apology. Apologies are for things like: "Suzie, I'm sorry I ran over your cat last week and tried to hide it next door's Hedge" or "Barry, I'm sorry I spiked your drink on Saturday and we had to rush you to A&E for a stomach pump" Those are justified apologies, apologies for wrong doings that harbour guilt. I'm apologizing for starting a blog on the internet - what's guilty about that?
Well for a start I'm sorry for thinking my opinions are worth adding to the sea of opinions already floating around. Secondly, I'm also sorry that I think those opinions deserve a little more space than Twitter can provide, that in it's self makes me feel like I have to justify it being here and of course, I can't, which is why it has to start with an apology. And lastly, it's not a blog with a noble cause – having just flicked through my next door neighbours blogs it's clear: I'm not a mum coping with demands of parenting an autistic child (there were five different blogs all framed in the same context); a photographer giving a forum for his work; or selling Viagra at low, low prices (I'm afraid I only sell Viagra at expensive on this site).
If any thing I'm using this blog as a literary wank before I get down to some academic writing. An excuse to jizz out any metaphors (including this tortured one) or errant thoughts that got stuck some where before I sit down to do work. Suffice to say as soon as it's out on the internet I feel pretty dirty about it and try to clean it up as best as possible, so if anything I'm sorry you had to read that (even though you loved it you filthy thing).
In short: sorry using this blog to post my sticky clean-exs on the internet.
Mr.Wazere
Gentlemen blogger and literary wanker.
X
Well for a start I'm sorry for thinking my opinions are worth adding to the sea of opinions already floating around. Secondly, I'm also sorry that I think those opinions deserve a little more space than Twitter can provide, that in it's self makes me feel like I have to justify it being here and of course, I can't, which is why it has to start with an apology. And lastly, it's not a blog with a noble cause – having just flicked through my next door neighbours blogs it's clear: I'm not a mum coping with demands of parenting an autistic child (there were five different blogs all framed in the same context); a photographer giving a forum for his work; or selling Viagra at low, low prices (I'm afraid I only sell Viagra at expensive on this site).
If any thing I'm using this blog as a literary wank before I get down to some academic writing. An excuse to jizz out any metaphors (including this tortured one) or errant thoughts that got stuck some where before I sit down to do work. Suffice to say as soon as it's out on the internet I feel pretty dirty about it and try to clean it up as best as possible, so if anything I'm sorry you had to read that (even though you loved it you filthy thing).
In short: sorry using this blog to post my sticky clean-exs on the internet.
Mr.Wazere
Gentlemen blogger and literary wanker.
X
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